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Hand and Associates Learning and Mediation Services

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Don't Agitate - Mediate!

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How does one handle being a "fallen hero"?

Posted on April 26, 2015 at 12:00 PM Comments comments (39)
I recently met a gentleman who experienced what he called "fallen hero syndrome".  Being clueless about his dilemma,  i inquired "whatever, sir, might that be? " The gentleman, went on to explain that he had in essence fallen from the good graces of those in his "circle of life" who considered him their hero!!!!  This gentleman expressed that although the hero status was not one he voluntarily sought - his colleagues as their leader, his children and spouse as their role model became distraught, disappointed and discouraged when he dishonored himself and by association, them, from the high esteem held and stature bestowed on him. 

What a bummer! I thought.  How does one get to that position in life's order of things?  While not something the gentle man aspired to be - it was a position he had acquired and in looking back - inherently owned.  As the gentleman reported his story of his immoral crimes imparted - there was clearly a sense of remorse and sadness in his eyes for those he hurt and as a result pathetically lost his "heroism" status in a rather spiraling decent. 

I am reminded of an episode from MASH - the World War Two comedy series about a mobile hospital unit for the war wounded.  In this particular episode, Radar O'reilly the Corporal genius who logistically ran the unit - became enraged with Hawk eye - a brilliant, yet mischievous surgeon who often saved the lives of many soldiers and was Radar's hero.  This day Hawk eye went into the operating room drunk and almost cost the lives of others and that of Radar who become wounded from mortar fire.  Radar refused to speak to Hawk eye and yet chastised him for his drunken behavior.  Radar states, " a lot of people look up to you - I look up to you!!"   Hawk eye's response to Radar in a fit of emotion between the two - "how dare you act this way, how dare you feel this way?  I did not ask for this and I did not ask for your high regard of me..." 

From this recollection - I could more clearly understand and empathize with the gentle man's feeling of guilt yet remorse for hurting those who so fervently placed him on that heroic pedastal.  I believe though, like Hawk eye, he wanted those who placed him in this position to remember, that he is only human and because of that, he too will and should be able to "make mistakes"!!!   So, I asked my gentleman friend, is your fallen hero syndrome fixable?  He simply answered that while the actions may be forgiven or even forgotten, re ascension to that plateau of trust and high regard may never be the same.  How does one deal with that piece of realism?  One can only hope that the people who placed him there can see it in their hearts and minds to give him a chance to just be himself - fallible, but at the core of who he is - the same person who cares about and loves them as much if not more.  Kinda makes that bible verse even more relevant - "he without sin - cast the first stone."  I wish my gentle man friend the very best!!!!!


Posted on August 17, 2014 at 11:24 AM Comments comments (32)
The need for tolerance, understanding and sensitivity is at a critical point in our society and world right now - this very minute!!! Such is the illustration of events in Ferguson, MO, the status of our political acumen, the middle east and across this world in general.  How is it that we as a people refuse to learn from all the violence and unrest that besieged our citizenry and society to yet repeat over again and again?  

Why is it that people of color and those economically challenged must relive the experience of insensitivity by those with privilege and obsessive power?  When can we just say enough already - stop the madness and dammit leave us alone!!  The abuse of power and blatant disrespect of fellow human beings is extremely disheartening 50-plus years after so many activists in our country fought and died for simple equity and equality of life and its opportunities.  When do we reach a point where differences in race, gender, religion or orientation not be a measurement by which I or people like me are judged and/or are mistreated because of them.    

The strides and accomplishments made have been great - yet the irreverence of intolerance by still so many does tend to overshadow those accomplishments.  This is why sensitivity, respect for life and open/genuine dialogue must and has to be practiced as a norm/on the regular.  It is the least we can/should do for the generations of young people who did not experience our past pain to yet now have to experience it in this new world that we are living.  Changed behavior is about learning from our past mistakes - like the saying goes - when will we ever learn???

truly peace   

Someone New!!

Posted on June 28, 2014 at 8:57 AM Comments comments (20)
I realize it has been a while since submitting this page - but I do have a good reason. Just recently, we became proud grandparents of a lovely healthy baby girl - Lily Jade.  Wow, jsut when you thought nothing or no one else could bring such pride and happiness to your life then along comes "baby girl"!!!  For all the other grands out there - I know this is nothing new - but it is new and special for me.  Was not sure I was ready for the "grandpa" status but like my grey hair - it is one of those things in life one has to accept and appreciate as another  blessing from the creator above!  

I am happy our daughter has bounced back quickly and is already being back on the job.  Young people these days!!!!   Anyway just in case you were wondering where is this guy??   This guy is relearning about babies and getting the place ready for little Lily's first visit to papa D sometime in the fall.  I'll keep you posted!!


Posted on January 1, 2014 at 1:53 PM Comments comments (123)
This past sunday - I missed mass due to the weather, so why not take the opportunity to watch it on television?  As unusual and uneventful as this might seem - it soon turned into a disappointment and most distasteful experience.  The theme of this week's sermon revolved around "family" and Marriage - marriage of the "traditional sort"!  Hmm, how alarming when this "man of the cloth" began to pontificate and singularly define family and marriage to his congregants and television audience.   His proclaimed definition that only allowed for one perspective and a total disregard of what is trending in today's society across boundaries and cultures. 

Even though I know people like him exist, and of course, they are welcome to their views and comments - on this particular day, such commentary, while supported by the "good book" and other unidentified not so good books - actually disrupted my day.  Throughout this day - I felt troubled and found his haunting commentary to be hurtful and ludicrous!!!  It was hard to fathom that someone who was supposed to represent tolerance - speak so vehemently against it!!!

Gosh darn it!!!  I hope that today's non traditional/more open swing of society's pendulum toward family and marriage will continue to swell as we enter a new year!!!  As long as people are willing to love one another and take care of each other - what they look like and who they do it with - really should not matter.  

Happy New Year

What's in a holiday?

Posted on December 6, 2013 at 10:54 AM Comments comments (238)
We have reached the final month of another year.  The holiday season is upon us and what have we done to make a difference in the world in which we live???  With the loss of Mr Mandela and others within in our global society - what do we do to continue the work of change and progress in this global environment?  There are so many folk doing positive things but their efforts seem to get lost in what is wrong in the world versus what folk are doing right!! Let's keep above the fray of negativity during this season of giving and care - make that the winning headline and our official mantra!!!  

Take time to pay a good deed forward and reach back to bring someone else along.  Like the song says - let there be peace on earth and let it begin "with me"!!

Happy holidays from Hand and Associates

Power of Opposites and Beyond

Posted on November 6, 2013 at 7:50 PM Comments comments (14)
According to Science Fiction novelist Orson Scott, "In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him..." What a powerful statement from the movie Ender's Game.  I saw the movie last week and absolutely loved it.  Not only did it represent levels of morality questions but its diverse cast and elements of reflective/sensitive thought were overwhelmingly impressive.

You have read my thoughts about how one often seems to attract those most opposite to oneself.  So did Ender.  He so much wanted to not only prove himself, but also to be accepted.  Yet, his drive for competition and acceptance - elevated him to a level of authority that even amazed him.  Which then poses more questions for me.  Does one attract the opposite because there is something about self you are lacking?  a need in your inner circle of satisfaction or even conquest to prove your ability to deal with such an individual??  Not real sure, but the thought has pondered me.  After a 30 year relationship which has been so so unfulfilling and understood well enough to defeat - in this moment I so so understand the love!!!  Damn is that not frustrating or what??? 

So to all my readers out there - think about who you find your self attracted or conversely them to you - be mindful what it means in the long and short term.  Is it real?  Is it healthy?  Is it worth the differences?  Are they really an enemy, with whom you are now in love??????  Give it some thought and let me know.  Chat some more!!!


Obvious Mediation Needed

Posted on October 1, 2013 at 2:45 PM Comments comments (21)
Are you on info overload from bureaucratic rhetoric yet???  Yes, I am referring to the latest of Congressional antics that have resulted in a US government shut down!  What does this mean to the average citizen who 1) can't work because their office or work site is literally "shut down" for operation; or 2) those workers who are exempt or essential but are working for a congressional IOU until whenever congress peeps decide to approve a continuing resolution.  How does this work with one's creditors?  Does one get to tell their mortgage or car note holders - here is an IOU until my employer decides they want to pay me?

This situation is not only stressful but lends itself to be a classic case for a full blown mediation.  Certainly, the issues are vast and the solutions will not be easy, but until someone intervenes to make something happen - this will continue to be a potentially painful brewing standstill/stalemate!!!  How does one resolve the competing interests of all the parties involved?  While the most significant parties involved do not even have a seat at the conversation table, these are the citizens and workers most adversely affected!  What about them, congressperson?  Will you be governing by taking a personal paycheck pass until this situation is resolved?  Sounds like that might be extra incentive right there.  Will you be notifying your personal creditors that they will need to wait while you pontificate before you agree to make a decision that affects thousands of workers?  How do you with sincerity and concern tell your personal staff to simply "suck it up" until you and your elected colleagues decide to make something happen while the staff painfully await to receive a paycheck in a timely fashion if at all.

Enough already!!!  Give those folks who just want to work, receive their pay and take care of their families and themselves a break!!!  Time to come down off of your philosophical "high horse"!!  

You were elected to do the work of the people not make the people who put you in office be held hostage to your nonsense.  It might be time for you to "suck it up" or be personally docked for not doing your jobs!!!  

If others are feelin me - weigh in and let's get some more convo flowing.  Thanks again for tuning in!!!!   

Power of Opposites - Continued

Posted on July 13, 2013 at 7:16 AM Comments comments (29)
Insight #4

The response on this subject has been overwhelming - so here I go again to add just anothr perspective of thought.  Thanks for the feedback and keep it coming!!!

What is it about people who are most unlike me - I most attrack?    

Guess this is where the old adage makes sense huh?  OPPOSITES ATTRACK! Damn yo, why did it have to be me?  This guy is really not my type, but doggone it he sure is sexy!!!   What about all the “good girls” who like those “bad boys”?  Help me out here – I have no answer – I am sure there is plenty of textbook stuff – Freud or Jung material that can explain it all, but do I really have to find myself a part of it – really?    That’s ok – life happens, and this is another phenomena in which I have found myself.  I dare say many others like me as well.  I did not mean to – I even know better but – here I go again.  

While this seems to repeat itself from a “positive perspective”, ever considered how those “bad boys or girls “ must feel when they too find themselves in the predicament.  Does it improve or denigrate their reputation?  How do they feel when the experience goes awry?  Is there learning from their perspective that may change them because of who that opposite person is, or do they only become  more inclined to repeat?  Can in fact, the user become the used?  Again – help me out here.  Only want to engage and provoke.

Great Community Spirit in Cleveland

Posted on June 29, 2013 at 6:54 PM Comments comments (135)
Some really positive things were done today in Cleveland and I am so very proud to know the sponsors for this event.  Lifeline youth football clinic - conducted their first major event for the youth in the Cleveland Community today.  Many celebrity athletes, lots of volunteers and supporters and most importantly youngsters from the community had a wonderful, powerful, positive day.  This was a magnificent showing of Us Helping Us in the African American Community.  Keep it going!!!  Keep up the fine work and thanks to all who shared their time, expertise and support for this event.  From one parent to many others thanks for what you did today - we appreciate your "lifeline"!!!


Same Sex Marital Issues

Posted on June 28, 2013 at 3:16 PM Comments comments (93)
What a powerful thing - the Supreme Court done done away with DOMA - WOW!!!  Hey folks we are truely open now for business.  

Just like any married couple - same sex married couples continue to need a place to talk out their wears and woes.  I look forward to conducting/facilitating gay marriage sessions - a needed forum in which to air the frustration, but also to celebrate the good things happening in the relationship.  This is where I really want to spend my time - let's share and give each other props about what we are doing right and keeping that relationship healthy, loving and stress free.  

Do I have any takers???  How about that postive speak - same sex couple retreat?  I know some places that you could really just cool out and have some deep and meaningful conversations.  That is my challenge to you.  What say you????

To answer Maysa's question - Can we the world ? - damn skippy!!!!!