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Hand and Associates Learning and Mediation Services

 804 479 0002

Don't Agitate - Mediate!

My Blog


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What's in a holiday?

Posted on December 6, 2013 at 10:54 AM Comments comments (238)
We have reached the final month of another year.  The holiday season is upon us and what have we done to make a difference in the world in which we live???  With the loss of Mr Mandela and others within in our global society - what do we do to continue the work of change and progress in this global environment?  There are so many folk doing positive things but their efforts seem to get lost in what is wrong in the world versus what folk are doing right!! Let's keep above the fray of negativity during this season of giving and care - make that the winning headline and our official mantra!!!  

Take time to pay a good deed forward and reach back to bring someone else along.  Like the song says - let there be peace on earth and let it begin "with me"!!

Happy holidays from Hand and Associates

Power of Opposites and Beyond

Posted on November 6, 2013 at 7:50 PM Comments comments (14)
According to Science Fiction novelist Orson Scott, "In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him..." What a powerful statement from the movie Ender's Game.  I saw the movie last week and absolutely loved it.  Not only did it represent levels of morality questions but its diverse cast and elements of reflective/sensitive thought were overwhelmingly impressive.

You have read my thoughts about how one often seems to attract those most opposite to oneself.  So did Ender.  He so much wanted to not only prove himself, but also to be accepted.  Yet, his drive for competition and acceptance - elevated him to a level of authority that even amazed him.  Which then poses more questions for me.  Does one attract the opposite because there is something about self you are lacking?  a need in your inner circle of satisfaction or even conquest to prove your ability to deal with such an individual??  Not real sure, but the thought has pondered me.  After a 30 year relationship which has been so so unfulfilling and understood well enough to defeat - in this moment I so so understand the love!!!  Damn is that not frustrating or what??? 

So to all my readers out there - think about who you find your self attracted or conversely them to you - be mindful what it means in the long and short term.  Is it real?  Is it healthy?  Is it worth the differences?  Are they really an enemy, with whom you are now in love??????  Give it some thought and let me know.  Chat some more!!!


Obvious Mediation Needed

Posted on October 1, 2013 at 2:45 PM Comments comments (21)
Are you on info overload from bureaucratic rhetoric yet???  Yes, I am referring to the latest of Congressional antics that have resulted in a US government shut down!  What does this mean to the average citizen who 1) can't work because their office or work site is literally "shut down" for operation; or 2) those workers who are exempt or essential but are working for a congressional IOU until whenever congress peeps decide to approve a continuing resolution.  How does this work with one's creditors?  Does one get to tell their mortgage or car note holders - here is an IOU until my employer decides they want to pay me?

This situation is not only stressful but lends itself to be a classic case for a full blown mediation.  Certainly, the issues are vast and the solutions will not be easy, but until someone intervenes to make something happen - this will continue to be a potentially painful brewing standstill/stalemate!!!  How does one resolve the competing interests of all the parties involved?  While the most significant parties involved do not even have a seat at the conversation table, these are the citizens and workers most adversely affected!  What about them, congressperson?  Will you be governing by taking a personal paycheck pass until this situation is resolved?  Sounds like that might be extra incentive right there.  Will you be notifying your personal creditors that they will need to wait while you pontificate before you agree to make a decision that affects thousands of workers?  How do you with sincerity and concern tell your personal staff to simply "suck it up" until you and your elected colleagues decide to make something happen while the staff painfully await to receive a paycheck in a timely fashion if at all.

Enough already!!!  Give those folks who just want to work, receive their pay and take care of their families and themselves a break!!!  Time to come down off of your philosophical "high horse"!!  

You were elected to do the work of the people not make the people who put you in office be held hostage to your nonsense.  It might be time for you to "suck it up" or be personally docked for not doing your jobs!!!  

If others are feelin me - weigh in and let's get some more convo flowing.  Thanks again for tuning in!!!!   

In Search of Something New...

Posted on September 1, 2013 at 2:48 PM Comments comments (48)
Wow, summer is over and today's the lastopportunity for wearing one's cool seasonal white garb.  As green begins to trasition to autum reds and browns - I want to seek new ways to operate and create new energy.  Summer madness leads to winter woes - I need a new way to process and communicate.  All who read this - what do you seek?  Help me identify the kind of energy to excite my self and my clients.  Not just recycled oldies, but a brand new creativity and wonderment!!!  Who has some provoking thoughts about moving the world and its occupants to a fresh and functional continuation about a path of newness?  Help a brother out???  Wanting to be on the cutting edge - counting on creativity and congruence to carry me forward.  Send me a message!!  Share a thought!! Help to create a new history that treks to a fresh forward stream of thoughtfulness!  

Power of Opposites - Continued

Posted on July 13, 2013 at 7:16 AM Comments comments (29)
Insight #4

The response on this subject has been overwhelming - so here I go again to add just anothr perspective of thought.  Thanks for the feedback and keep it coming!!!

What is it about people who are most unlike me - I most attrack?    

Guess this is where the old adage makes sense huh?  OPPOSITES ATTRACK! Damn yo, why did it have to be me?  This guy is really not my type, but doggone it he sure is sexy!!!   What about all the “good girls” who like those “bad boys”?  Help me out here – I have no answer – I am sure there is plenty of textbook stuff – Freud or Jung material that can explain it all, but do I really have to find myself a part of it – really?    That’s ok – life happens, and this is another phenomena in which I have found myself.  I dare say many others like me as well.  I did not mean to – I even know better but – here I go again.  

While this seems to repeat itself from a “positive perspective”, ever considered how those “bad boys or girls “ must feel when they too find themselves in the predicament.  Does it improve or denigrate their reputation?  How do they feel when the experience goes awry?  Is there learning from their perspective that may change them because of who that opposite person is, or do they only become  more inclined to repeat?  Can in fact, the user become the used?  Again – help me out here.  Only want to engage and provoke.

Great Community Spirit in Cleveland

Posted on June 29, 2013 at 6:54 PM Comments comments (135)
Some really positive things were done today in Cleveland and I am so very proud to know the sponsors for this event.  Lifeline youth football clinic - conducted their first major event for the youth in the Cleveland Community today.  Many celebrity athletes, lots of volunteers and supporters and most importantly youngsters from the community had a wonderful, powerful, positive day.  This was a magnificent showing of Us Helping Us in the African American Community.  Keep it going!!!  Keep up the fine work and thanks to all who shared their time, expertise and support for this event.  From one parent to many others thanks for what you did today - we appreciate your "lifeline"!!!


Same Sex Marital Issues

Posted on June 28, 2013 at 3:16 PM Comments comments (93)
What a powerful thing - the Supreme Court done done away with DOMA - WOW!!!  Hey folks we are truely open now for business.  

Just like any married couple - same sex married couples continue to need a place to talk out their wears and woes.  I look forward to conducting/facilitating gay marriage sessions - a needed forum in which to air the frustration, but also to celebrate the good things happening in the relationship.  This is where I really want to spend my time - let's share and give each other props about what we are doing right and keeping that relationship healthy, loving and stress free.  

Do I have any takers???  How about that postive speak - same sex couple retreat?  I know some places that you could really just cool out and have some deep and meaningful conversations.  That is my challenge to you.  What say you????

To answer Maysa's question - Can we the world ? - damn skippy!!!!!


Power of Opposites - Continued

Posted on June 3, 2013 at 8:59 AM Comments comments (105)
If communication is key – why do we see so much less of it in a direct sort of way?   

Just think about the important discussions going on in the world today - between the handlers and the news media.  Why can’t there just be time taken to sit down and talk things out more directly?   As a mediator/coach, it is what I like to emphasize most – let’s just talk about it.  Don’t worry about what you initially want, need or desire – that piece of self will come later by practicing at being open and move toward building trust.    

One might wonder - How is it that a Dennis Rodman (athlete now regular kinda guy) can have a conversation with a world leader (Kim Jong-Un) while paid and more empowered diplomats have less dialogue or even opportunity to be in the same room with this guy?  Yet, his/our incongruent behavior may really mean they just really want to be recognized and garner some attention.    

Let’s consider a more simplistic relationship – think about a child or even a pet.  What quickly averts our attention to them most?  Being the best they can be or demonstrating their worst?  While the worst behavior may not be the most optimum it does accomplish the objective - our child or yes even the beloved pet now have our attention and some direct communication.  Attention, even if negative – still makes us notice.  

Same Sex Marital Issues

Posted on May 20, 2013 at 12:21 PM Comments comments (13)
Having a someone you can trust in these days of uncertainty and change - can be not only useful but imperative.  I try very hard to provide a venue for couples experiencing this needed service.   Are there other more wise folk out there? Probably - but not everybody seems comfortable in talking about it in this forum.  For those who appreciated the blog or at the least discussing or mentioning the issue - thanks, and I urge you/insist you to write back and share your enlightening thoughts and feelings!!  

As a mediator for over a decade - getting to the bottom line takes time.  Clients have to feel comfortable in expressing themselves especially in a safe environment in which they can be heard individually, as a half of a couple or dare I speculate even as a member of a group. Relationships are a challenge in any configuration - a good mediator should be sensitive to the work and even the challenge to be able to help others work on themselves.  I find it especially powerful when the "ah ha" moment or break through occurs.  It is uplifting and humbling at the same time.  

I must admit - I've had a pretty good counselor who has helped me and my relationship - I want to be able to continue to pay it forward and help others.    

Power of Opposites Continued

Posted on May 20, 2013 at 11:58 AM Comments comments (15)

Special thanks to my newest blog followers.  Your comments are always welcome!!!  I look forward to continue to stimulate thought and our growing conversations together.  Peace

INSIGHT Two   Role reversal – if I can see it – I can manage it – maybe??   Ever asked the question from/ of others – “Is that how I really act? Is that how people really see me?”  Steve Erkle (character on TV’s Family Matters) may have said it best, “Did I do that??”  Sometimes the man/woman in the mirror is not always a pleasant sight to reflect, but sometimes we just need a visual.  In doing some marriage and couple facilitating/coaching – one of my favorite activities is to have the clients participate in role reversal.  In this process, the husband/wife or partner/partner portray the role and actions of the other to demonstrate how the one acts, speaks, or even treats the other.  

This is particularly revealing, as one is able to see when portrayed by his/her mate.  Even through some “over the top” demonstrations – there is typically sufficient validity about what is demonstrated when that behavior is reversed for direct display.  The Erkle question becomes real – “I do that?   Another version of this activity for single clients is to illustrate – for self the opposite of whom you think you are in order to reach an acceptable medium of who you would like to actually be.  The whole idea is to think about your personal current reality and consider what you may need to do in your life – regarding how you react to others, how you want others to treat or react to you and then take the risk and just self adjust.  Are there times when we must take that risk to do something differently with and about ourselves in order to create and manage change in our lives?  Opposites in this respect are not only enlightening but also empowering!!!